We Endure: I am a Child of God
I am the child of an alcoholic mother and an absent father.
My mother was the best mother anyone could ask for. She was my rock, the one person I could always count on, and the person I admired most in this world. She pushed me to be more than my learning disability, to always stand up for what is right, and that I was stronger than I knew. She always put us, her children, first.
And then one day her own demons got the best of her and with the help of a bottle they became her. My protector, my advocate, my mother, became my emotional abuser, my tormentor, and my personal bully.
I was no longer a good person in her eyes. I was no longer smarter than my disability. I was no longer limitless in what i could do. I was ugly. I was fat. I was stupid. I was a bad person. I was worthless, a nothing. I was all these things and for the longest time I believed it. I deserved it for being the way I was.
And I took it, not just because I believed I deserved it, but because I knew my younger siblings didn’t. As long as her anger, her disdain, her bitterness, was directed at me, then they never had to feel that hurt. I stood up for my younger siblings and became the voice my mother used to be for me. I never broke, not because I was strong, but because I knew I had to be strong for them.
This was my reality from the age of 13 to 18. In that time everything I did was not for me, it was for them. I always thought my only purpose in this life was them. It was because God gave me them that I endured.
I graduated high school anorexic, insecure, and with no amount of self-worth. As far as I was concerned, I did not matter. My future did not matter. I often felt leaving this world would be easier, but knew I could never abandon my younger siblings like that.
My husband has told me I am one of the strongest people he knows and I never really believed him. I know I would have given up a long time ago if it weren’t for my younger siblings. I believed everything my mother said I was and I still struggle with having self-worth. Philippians 4:13 says,
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
See, a truth I did not fully comprehend until much later in life was this, God was in it all. God knew I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have siblings. When I needed God most He knew I would turn away and try to focus on how I alone could hold the load. He gave me a reason to find strength and keep fighting. He gave me my younger siblings not so I could save them, but so they could save me. Even in those moments of torment he was there working in my life. He was there making sure I endured. He gave me a purpose early on so that later in life I could go on to do more with my life besides survive.
He gave me a mother in my younger years who gave me a strong Christian and moral foundation. And then when she could no longer fight her own sins, God made sure I had my younger sibling to keep me going and keep me on a path of success. I knew that everything I did right in this life was an example for them to do right too. Even though graduating high school didn’t matter for my future, it mattered for theirs so they knew they could and would do the same.
Today, I still have a passion for working with children. A passion I developed in being a secondary mother to my siblings when my mother no longer could. God has gifted me with the ability to reach children on their level so I can understand them where they are in this life. I try to use the passions and the gifts he has given to me to help children have the childhood that I had cut short. I have been blessed to be able to build relationships with kids in such a way that I am able to share the love of Jesus Christ with them and help be that support throughout their life.
Through it all I have learned life is full of challenges. You can let those challenge define you or you can let God define you. Through God I am strong. Through God I matter. Through God I can do all things. I am more than the abuses I have faced. I will always be the daughter of an alcoholic mother and an absent father. I will always be the oldest child of many from a broken home. But I no longer allow those things to define.I am more than the sins of my parents, my family, and myself. I am more than the circumstances of this life. I am a child of God.
Submitted Anonymously, by a Child of God.
Each of our guest authors has submitted their own writing in order to share their story. The Sunkissed Peach is committed to creating a community in which people can be open and share honestly, in all walks of life. If you are triggered by any of these stories, I ask that you reach out to a mental health professional or counselor. If you relate or have had a similar experience, please feel free to comment and interact with the author.