How to Re-spark The Flame
Just in time for Valentine's Day - You can re-spark the flame or spice things up to make this Valentine's Day memorable.
Have you ever spent a day thinking about a romantic date night with your love, and then something happens and the whole date night goes south? Or maybe you spend the day prepping for a hot evening - I mean you go all out! You shave your legs, your other areas and then instead of things heating up, an argument boils. No? Just Aaron and I? Well, if this never happens to you feel free to skip to the Spice It Up Sections. But if you could relate to those things, below, you will see you are not alone.
I want to talk to the women who know exactly what I am talking about. We start preparing for a big romantic something and then the night ends completely opposite of how we envisioned it. Valentine’s Day is next week - and leading up to this week, we have been busy - so busy with so many good things, but nonetheless, busy. We have not had quality time together in a while and fuses have been short for both of us.
I really wasn’t feeling the Valentine’s Day mood. In fact, I was feeling more Galentine’s Day. But this morning, I reached my breaking point. My mom called just to see how I was. A simple question of curiosity released a massive wave of tears and emotions.
I had a laundry list of things I wanted Aaron to do to make me feel loved and appreciated. In trying to express my feeling of being overwhelmed and lost with how to deal with our situation, my mom told me this, “You cannot control Aaron’s actions or reactions, but you can control yours.” Between that statement and listening to Love & Respect on Audible, I was in tears, sobbing, because I was equally at fault for how frustrated Aaron and I had become with each other.
Aaron and I hardly ever fight and we never yell at each other. But we will avoid and let tension build. I knew that we needed to defuse the situation so that neither of us would feel anxious at home. I realized that I needed to do something about it.
I wrote out a long, detailed letter about what I was sorry for, why I was sorry about it, and what I wanted to do moving forward.
I owned up to my stuff. I took responsibility for my actions. I had every intention to read the letter to him, but when we sat down to talk, I couldn’t find my voice, so I slid the letter to him and let him read it. Then we talked. I listened to his response without trying to come up with a response or a defense. I let him share what he was thinking and how he was processing.
This is what got us off of our crazy cycle and back into a cycle of peace. If you and your spouse are not feeling the love right now, I would encourage you to look at yourself. I had to stop thinking about how I wanted Aaron to fix things and focus on the ways I could fix our situation. I needed to take ownership for my behavior and my attitude and NOT blame Aaron. This shifted my attitude when we talked - I was no longer accusatory.
Coming at it from humility and owning my stuff dramatically shifted our mood. It made it easier to finish the hard conversation and start planning for a hot Valentine’s Day night.
I want to encourage you, that it is not too late to get in the Love Makin’ mood. You can turn it around with a simple “I am sorry.” or a “Let’s have a restart.” conversation. Nothing is more important to me than my marriage to Aaron. It can be easy though to let the everyday monotonous aspects of life distract you from the deep passionate love you have for your spouse.
B.U.T. you do not have let it.
Spice It Up:
Okay, so not everyone has a lingering hard conversation they need to have with their spouse. Maybe you are here for some quick last minute - spice it up tips! Here are my favorite ways to spice up a night in a hurry:
Buying new lingerie - If I can grab something new, it usually sparks his interest.
Lighting Candles - dim the lights - everything feels a little sexier by candle light.
Physical Touch - a back rub or a foot rub will ease tension physically and touching will ease tension emotionally, you can also subtly hint to other activities.
Having a glass of wine together and cuddling under a blanket - trust me, it works.
Our code emoji. We have a code emoji - when one of us sends it to the other, we know that tonight is go time. Have a code emoji - use it often.
Take turns initiating - we have a schedule
We have little cues that catch the other’s attention. They tell Aaron that he is on my mind, that I miss him, that I long for him. They can come out of the blue or be scheduled in. If your spark went out a while ago - you might look at my list and say that it is futile, but be consistent. Schedule it in until it no longer feels like it has to be scheduled it.
Just because you are married, or have been together for X number of years, have X number of kids does not mean that you can’t have a desire to connect with your spouse.
Have some fun and remember that it is okay to make time to spice things up!
Have a very Happy Valentine’s Day!