We Endure: Holding on to Hope
Updated: Apr 10, 2018
2016 was one of the most pivotal years of my life.
The love of my life asked me to marry him, I was accepted into a 4-year university, with a
very helpful scholarship, and I finally wasn’t working in the restaurant business anymore. It was also the year some of the dearest and most treasured people in my life went to be in paradise.
Needless to say I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. But this wasn’t like a Disneyland roller coaster where it gently glided back into the launch station. No. This was a roller coaster I was on that I didn’t realize had been broken and rusty for a long time. I felt like it was never going to end. After my husband, fiancé at the time, and I became engaged we began fighting a lot, which would lead me to full blown panic attacks and depressive episodes leading to thoughts of suicide or self destruction. These episodes were triggered because of my unhandled, and unrealized, anxiety and depression from my past and my present.
Not only did my anxiety lead me to feel untrusting of my fiancé but it led me to not want to get out of bed in the morning, it led me to feel extremely insecure about myself, it made me overthink every social situation I was in, and I ended up burying all of my grief and pain deep inside of me. There was one night where something inside of me snapped. I was on my way to ending my life. I felt hopeless, worthless, incredibly alone, insecure, and although I believe in God, for me I was done with all of the deep rooted pain that I didn’t know how to take away.
I thought by eliminating myself, all of that pain would go away too. I remember I was in my car clenching my steering wheel with tears streaming down my face, ready to just drive and get into an accident because I felt so out of control. It was then I heard a little voice inside me say “No... This is not the end of my story.” Although the voice was soft and quiet, I was able to pick up the phone and dial the suicide hotline. They really came through for me and, I thank God for those people everyday.
No... This is not the end of my story.
After being talked down, I felt like for the first time, in a long time, I could finally see a tiny light or a glimmer of hope shining at the end of the dark cave I was living in. In a way I feel like I had to be completely broken down in order to become whole again.
It wasn’t long after that night I started to search for emotionally healthy alternatives. I started to see a counselor at my school which helped tremendously. I started going to Zumba and working out consistently. I also had my family and my fiancé who really came through and were there for me when I stumbled and wanted to go back to self-destruction. They called out the gold in me when I didn’t even know it was there or didn’t want to believe it. As I continue on a more healthy journey, that once quiet voice has become louder and more confident.
I’m hoping that by sharing part of my story will help others to know that they don’t have to endure alone. That they know pain is a process and endurance is what we strive for.
If you feel suicidal or like you aren't willing to continue on, please reach out. The phone number is 1-800-273-8255. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please reach out! Your life matters, YOU MATTER.
Each of our guest authors has submitted their own writing in order to share their story. The Sunkissed Peach is committed to creating a community in which people can be open and share honestly, in all walks of life. If you are triggered by any of these stories, I ask that you reach out to a mental health professional or counselor. If you relate or have had a similar experience, please feel free to comment and interact with the author.